wow

I just wrote a post but did not publish it. I can't believe that I have turned into the person I have. I have so much hatred towards this one person. That's all I can say. I can't believe I have let myself feel this anger and violence and just pure hate... that's not who I am. 

But I guess that is what blogging is about. I'm glad I chose not to post that blog because it's completely inappropriate but at the same time raw truth about how I feel. I don't think people should have all the insight that they do into my heart... I am proud of myself for keeping some of this to myself.

I am the only one that has control over this hatred I feel. I can either let it consume me, like it did in my un-posted blog. Or I can live and let die... that's right, totally just quoted Guns N Roses... but actually the Guns N Roses version of live and let die is a remake... by some other famous band but I can't think of who it is. Google that shit.

Anyway. I have to let go, and I know I can someday. Just not yet. I have never felt this way towards anyone. 

Ok, well Josh and I are happy and I so wish I could say that I hope she is happy but I really don't.

See what I mean? That is NOT the type of person I am. *sigh* I don't know what to do with this new person. I guess I just need to make sure she doesn't take over. I will be who I want to be, not who my circumstances change me into. I will get over it and move on. I have control over the person I am and the person I will be, the person I want to be.

And, if somehow all of this hatred gets back to her I'm sure she will just laugh at it and laugh at me... but I really don't care, ok I do. I care that she is so heartless. I wish I didn't. But when you learn that someone you cared about, and thought they cared about you (acted like they cared), is a totally different person from what you had perceived.... it's hard. I can't believe how two-faced she was... it makes me question my judgment.

Anyway... I'm starting into my un-posted blog and I don't want to do that! So, I hope everyone reading this knows that I am happy (seriously) and I have a wonderful relationship with Josh. Things are so much better, because we want them to be and because we BOTH love each other and want to be together more than anything in the world. I hope that everyone knows how GOOD he is to me, I could not ask for more, well maybe for some memory erasing serum :) 

That's all. I am sorry for the drama. I really don't like it but I realize this blog is LACED with it.

Just had to get it out. I feel a lot better and a lot less violent :)

<3